i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
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