how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
