I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
