I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
