This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
