he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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