hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
