I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
