I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
