mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
