You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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