Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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