im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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