Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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