My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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