Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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