I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
