i wish peter jackson would direct porn
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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