my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
