I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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