Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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