11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
