That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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