yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
