weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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