I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
