If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
