About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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