i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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