dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
