grandma shit on top of the toilet
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
