This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
