when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
