I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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