Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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