Can Purell be used as lube?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
