Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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