Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
