How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
