I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
