After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
