if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
