i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
