alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
