just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
