there's paper in my vomit.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i drank out of a bidet.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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