I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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