checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
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I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
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You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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