How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
