I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
