I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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