Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
There r osticjed everywhere
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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