Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
